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What would have Picard done in TOS episodes?

In order to terminate with the Kirk vs. Picard debate, and since I don't think this can be a serious debate, I've decided to do a speculative work on what would Jean-Luc Picard do if he and his ship were in a TOS episode (remember this is supposed to be humor).

FIRST SEASON

THE MAN TRAP
Picard tries to reason with the creature to keep it alive. He goes with his usual silly speech, only to die at its salt-sucking hands. Then it assumes Picard's identity and kills Wesley. The ugly creature gets a Federation reward for its noble act.
CHARLIE X
Picard tries to reason with Charlie X and asks him "Why?". This pisses him, so he makes Picard disappear.
WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE
The energy barrier affects the weasel, who has his ESP powers augmented. The crew decides that he should be killed while they can - even his mother agrees. Only Picard gets a clear shot and instead of firing he goes into another speech. The weasel reacts in time, kills the entire crew and enslaves the Federation. So much for freedom in the galaxy.
THE NAKED TIME
Picard acts exactly like he did in "The Naked Now". Sheesh.
THE ENEMY WITHIN
Picard gets split into two personalities, one gentle and incapable of command (Picard-A) and the other one brutal and incapable of control (Picard-B). The second one rapes Beverly Crusher, kills the weasel and gives orders to everyone. Riker notes that this Picard-B is better than the full one, so he kills Picard-A and everyone lives happily ever after, except for Beverly.
MUDD'S WOMEN
Picard handles Mudd and tells Riker to handle the women. He ends up phasing all of them and Picard, wimp as he is, doesn't arrest him and reports the incident as an "accident".
WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?
Picard gets replicated into an android, which can't cope with the shame this makes him feel, so he kills himself AND the original Picard.
MIRI
As usual, Picard can't handle the kids, so he accomplishes nothing and everyone on the planet dies. Fortunately, the away team included the weasel.
DAGGER OF THE MIND
Picard goes down with Dr. Crusher and they end up prisoners. Riker, without a decent Vulcan to help can't determine what to do. Picard's mind is destroyed and Riker gets a premature command.
THE CORBOMITE MANEUVER
Picard decides to simply surrender to the First Federation vessel. Riker, knowing what Poker is about, kicks Picard's ass and executes the Corbomite Maneuver. The Enterprise-D manages to escape, not due to Picard's skill.
THE MENAGERIE (parts I & II)
Riker takes his previous captain to Talos IV with a not-so-brilliant plan. After realizing that the third court-martial member is a Talosian fake, Picard decides to forget everything and doesn't argue with the Talosians [why is it that Picard never fights with a superior being, except for Q?]. However, he does get rid of the weasel and Dr. Crusher, giving the Talosians a race of incestuous enslaves. The Federation executes him for that (but they don't bother to rescue the Crushers).
THE CONSCIENCE OF THE KING
After realizing that this old Shakespearean actor is the infamous "Kodos the Executioner" he begins yet another speech. At that moment, Kodos' daughter (for whom Riker had an unhealthy interest) kills him with a phaser, killing the last person who could have testified against Kodos. So much for justice.
BALANCE OF TERROR
The Romulan captain proves to be too much for Picard's limited skills (who is still curious on his resemblance to Sarek). The Romulan bird of prey destroys the Enterprise-D and the Romulan Star Empire launches a war against the Federation, only to be stopped by the Klingons, who know a lot more about making war. So much for peace desires.
SHORE LEAVE
After the initial confusion, Picard takes shore leave on the planet, but abandons it after he realizes the holodeck is better, safer and cheesier.
GALILEO SEVEN
Riker, La Forge and Dr. Crusher are stranded on the hostile planetoid. Picard orders to search for them, but obeys his superior and abandons the sector. The Federation loses three valuable men due to the wimpiness of one captain.
THE SQUIRE OF GOTHOS
Picard surrenders to General Trelane and lets this guy hang him before Trelane's parents appear. Riker gets a premature command.
ARENA
Picard wins the duel with the reptilian alien with one of his infamous speeches, as he bores his enemy to death.
TOMORROW IS YESTERDAY
Picard, wimp as usual, is unable to give orders to a pilot which outranks him (he's also captain and he's quite older...), so the pilot simply returns to Earth and history is radically changed.
COURT-MARTIAL
Picard doesn't get a decent lawyer, so he is demoted to ensign [as if he ever deserved more...]. Riker gets a premature command.
RETURN OF THE ARCHONS
Picard tries to negotiate with the "Landru" computer, and when he begins with another speech, the computer suicides.
SPACE SEED
The Enterprise-D finds the Botany Bay ship. Kahn, after reawakening, takes control of the Enterprise-D. Picard tries to give one of his speeches, but Kahn knows better than that and destroys his vocal chords. Kahn begins a war that destroys the Federation AND the Klingon Empire. The new Eugenic Galactic Empire sets its capital world in Ceti Alpha V.
A TASTE OF ARMAGEDDON
The Enterprise-D and its crew are declared casualties in an interplanetary war entirely simulated by computers. Picard negotiates terms of surrender and finally accepts having his ship destroyed, his crew killed and the idiotic war to continue. To add insult to injury, the weasel was in the (unaffected) away team.
THIS SIDE OF PARADISE
Picard loses control of his crew, and blames Q for this. He shouts and orders him to appear - but Q doesn't, as he had nothing to do with this. Finally, the spores affect Picard, who beams down and leaves the ship empty.
THE DEVIL IN THE DARK
Picard tries to negotiate with the silicon monster, but since he doesn't have a Vulcan in his crew, communication isn't established. Picard is killed by the monster and Riker gets a premature command.
ERRAND OF MERCY
Since the Federation and the Klingons are allied, Picard does nothing on Organia.
THE ALTERNATIVE FACTOR
Picard solves the problem by boring both Lazarus to death with speeches.
THE CITY ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER
Dr. Crusher suffers an overdose of cordrazine and changes the past. Picard and Riker follow, and without a decent working tricorder are unable to locate her. The Federation disappears from the present, but we'll never know why.
OPERATION--ANNIHILATE!
Riker is affected by this parasitic creatures. Picard kills them with another of his speeches, but Riker also dies with this treatment.

SECOND SEASON

AMOK TIME
Riker isn't a Vulcan and he doesn't mate every seven years by instinct. Picard does nothing and doesn't go to Vulcan, attending his duties instead.
WHO MOURNS FOR ADONAIS
In order to escape, Picard convinces Apollo that his worship method includes speeches, so he does one - boring Apollo to death. Too bad this wasn't his idea.
THE CHANGELING
Picard tries one of his speeches on Nomad, who reacts killing him. Riker gets a premature command, but he's also killed by Nomad who disregards him as "imperfect". The Enterprise-D crew doesn't survive - except for Data.
MIRROR, MIRROR
Picard, Dr. Crusher, La Forge and a nameless ensign are accidentally exchanged with their counterparts in a parallel universe, where they find a dictatorial empire. Mirror-Riker notes that something has happened with them and uses this to throw Picard off the command. Picard, being not assertive enough, doesn't manage to get back and all four get killed.
THE APPLE
Picard decides not to break the Prime Directive, not because it shouldn't be broken, but because he is unable to fight that Vaal computer. What a wimp.
THE DOOMSDAY MACHINE
Picard tries yet another speech against the Doomsday machine. It reacts attacking the Enterprise-D. The boy-genius finds a way to destroy the machine, using the heavily battered Constellation-D - after he does, Picard promotes him to lieutenant. Bletch.
CATSPAW
Picard tries to reason with both aliens. Though the male is convinced by him, the female wants nothing with the bald wimp and kills him. Riker (who knows more about treating women) does convince her - then he phases her. Riker gets a premature command.
I, MUDD
After Mudd leaves, Picard orders Data reason with the androids. Data does, and is convinced by them that humans indeed are a hazard - human race is a weasel generator. The crew of the Enterprise-D is stranded in the planet forever, including Wesley. Good thing for the entire galaxy.
METAMORPHOSIS
Picard rescues Cochrane by boring the Companion to death with one of his speeches.
JOURNEY TO BABEL
Picard offers to mind-meld with Sarek, so he can have his emotional control. Sarek replies back that he isn't sick yet, so his offering is quite illogical, not to mention silly.
THE DEADLY YEARS
Picard, Dr. Crusher, La Forge and Wesley contract a disease that results in senility and death by old age within days. As Picard gets even balder, he manages to decide to do nothing. At least with their death the weasel will also pass away.
OBSESSIONS
Picard disregards all responsibilities in an effort to destroy a gaseous cloud that absorbs red corpuscles from human bodies. Oddly, he decides to kill it with a speech - the cloud moves faster and kills Picard first. Riker gets a premature command.
WOLF IN THE FOLD
La Forge appears to be the only logical suspect in a bizarre series of murders. Picard has Deanna Troi check La Forge out, and when she says he feels innocent, he decides to defend personally La Forge. During the trial, Picard gives a small speech that bores the jury enough so they fall asleep. At that moment, La Forge manages to escape.
THE TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES
Picard protects no quadrotriticale against Klingon sabotage, because Klingons are Federation allies.
THE GAMESTERS OF TRISKELION
Picard decides to respect the Prime Directive and abandons the population in the planet to the gamesters. What a coward.
A PIECE OF THE ACTION
Picard brings together all the gang bosses and declares he's God! The bosses, being atheist gangsters simply shoot him, killing him. So much for fixing violations of the Prime Directive.
THE IMMUNITY SYNDROME
Picard decides that this gigantic single-celled creature is intelligent, so he refuses to kill it. Enterprise-D is destroyed by it. The next target is a vulcan ship, the Intrepid-D. His captain does what logic dictates and does destroy it.
A PRIVATE LITTLE WAR
Klingons are Federation allies, so Picard does nothing to avoid genocide in in this peaceful planet.
RETURN TO TOMORROW
Highly advanced alien minds borrow Riker, Dr. Pulaski and Wesley's bodies. The third one doesn't wish to leave Wesley's body, so Picard agrees, and everyone lives happy ever after.
PATTERNS OF FORCE
When Picard tries to give the second injection to the historian, Dr. Crusher orders him not to, because it's risky. Picard obeys and the historian doesn't wake up. War between Ekos and Zeon begins, killing millions of innocent people. Will Picard ever take a risk and/or be assertive against Dr. Crusher?
BY ANY OTHER NAME
Picard tries one of his speeches to make the aliens surrender. They counterattack converting Picard into one of these cute stones and breaking it, thus killing him. Riker, though, defeats them programming the computer to reproduce absolutely every Picard speech simultaneously. This also kills half the crew - heck, it was a suicidal plan [too bad neither the weasel nor the Troi bimbo died].
THE OMEGA GLORY
Picard doesn't know U.S. constitution, so he does what he's used to and declares he's the God of both the Yangs and the Kohms. The poor idiots actually believe Picard and worship him. Back in the Enterprise-D, Riker has both captains (Tracy & Picard) arrested for their blatant violations of the Prime Directive. Riker gets a premature command.
THE ULTIMATE COMPUTER
Picard tries to use his diplomatic skills trying to negotiate with M5, but the computer outskills him and assumes total control of the ship, as granted by Picard. M5 continues attacking Federation ships, so it gets attacked back and the Enterprise-D is destroyed. At least the Federation got rid of the weasel.
BREAD AND CIRCUSES
Picard simply locates and beams up Merrick and other survivors. Wimp as he is, he refuses to interfere with the planet civilization so he won't break the Prime Directive - at least this time Picard didn't declare himself "Sun" God.
FRIDAY'S CHILD
Klingons are Federation allies, so there is no fight over those "rocks".
ASSIGNMENT: EARTH
Wimp as usual, Picard chickens out when he realizes Gary Seven knows Klingons. Picard does nothing and Gary Seven does his work without any disturbance.

THIRD SEASON

SPECTRE OF THE GUN
When the Enterprise-D receives the order of getting off the system, Picard obeys and proceeds to the next starbase. What a wimp.
ELAAN OF TROYIUS
Picard is unable to treat this self-interested woman, so has Riker reason with her. Riker ends up phasing her, beginning an interplanetary war that kills millions of innocent people. What an idiot - will Picard ever do something that isn't easy for him?
THE PARADISE SYNDROME
In a state of amnesia, Picard marries and finds happiness with Miramanee. When he fails as a god (at least this time the divine claim was from others), he's stoned to death. Riker gets a premature command.
THE ENTERPRISE INCIDENT
Picard goes mad and Riker turns traitor in an attempt to steal a cloaking device from the Romulans. Once they get it, they turn it over to La Forge, who can't understand it and is unable to use it. The Enterprise-D is destroyed while escaping from Romulan pursuers. What an idiot - if Picard wanted a cloaking device, why didn't he buy it to the Klingons?
AND THE CHILDREN SHALL LEAD
Picard controls the kids with one of his speeches, boring them to death. Having no followers, the alien ghost is alone and dies at Picard's vocal chords.
SPOCK'S BRAIN
A mysterious woman removes Data's brain. Picard orders La Forge to put a backup brain, so he does and everything is back to normal. Does Picard bother to recover the original? No.
IS THERE IN TRUTH NO BEAUTY?
Dr. Pulaski goes blind and Picard orders her not to interfere with Dr. Crusher, who is with Kollos. Beverly goes mad when she sees him, so Picard orders Pulaski to help Dr. Crusher. Pulaski obeys the first order only, so Beverly ends up dying, because Picard isn't assertive enough to make his orders be obeyed. What a dork.
THE EMPATH
Picard begins with another speech, which bores to death to the empath. The aliens kill Picard for this, and also kill the weasel and that Troi bimbo, just for the pleasure of killing without doing any real harm. Riker gets a premature command.
THE THOLIAN WEB
Picard is half-lost in the hyperspace warp that trapped the Defiant-D. Riker wimps out against the Tholians and leaves the sector, abandoning Picard.
FOR THE WORLD IS HOLLOW, AND I HAVE TOUCHED THE SKY
This Picard dork decides to respect the Prime Directive, condemning the planetoid/spaceship population to death when they collide with the planet. He changes his mind, though, when Dr. Crusher orders him to do so, because she doesn't want his new boyfriend to die. Will Picard ever stand up against Dr. Crusher?
DAY OF THE DOVE
An alien that feeds on hatred puts Klingons and the Enterprise-D crew on a fight. However, they don't fight because they're allies. The alien starves to death.
PLATO'S STEPCHILDREN
Picard wimps out against the leader of the telekinetics and kisses Beverly - at last! Dr. Crusher, not being nearly as brilliant as McCoy, doesn't discover how telekinetic powers are acquired and both of them are enslaved until they also develop telekinetic powers - and continue to be slaves, because their minds are the weakest ones. Riker manages to drive the Enterprise-D out of the system and declares Picard and Dr. Crusher casualties. Riker gets a premature command.
WINK OF AN EYE
The strange woman doesn't like Picard (too wimp for her), so she selects Riker. While Picard drinks an Earl Grey, Riker (as usual) gets it with her, phases her and sends a written message to Dr. Crusher; she cannot make a drug to bring back Riker back to normal, so he's stuck there. Too bad the weasel wasn't selected.
THAT WHICH SURVIVES
The away team survives against the woman's attacks by boring each of her incarnations to death with Picard's speeches. Later, when they find the defense computer, Picard forces it to suicide with yet another speech (is his name Jean-Luc Marvin or what?).
LET THAT BE YOUR LAST BATTLEFIELD
Picard is unable to decide which two-toned dude must he attend, so he splits the ship, the saucer for one and the other part for the second one. Picard is demoted by Starfleet for being such an idiot.
WHOM GODS DESTROY
Picard defeats captain Garth with another speech.
THE MARK OF GIDEON
Picard is decoyed into a replica of the Enterprise-D. Riker doesn't bother to search for him, so he leaves. Back on Gideon, Picard is used as a source of infections, decimating the population.
THE LIGHTS OF ZETAR
Picard scares away the Zetarians using one of his speeches. Unfortunately, the host dies in the process. This makes La Forge become Picard's enemy.
THE CLOUD MINDERS
Picard, being the wimp he is, does nothing in favor of the oppressed so he won't be accused of violating the Prime Directive.
THE WAY TO EDEN
Picard tries to convince the hippies that this Eden planet doesn't exist. Unfortunately, his lecture degenerates into a speech, boring the hippies to death. As one of them was the son of an ambassador, Picard is demoted to ensign and Riker gets a premature command.
REQUIEM FOR METHUSELAH
Flint uses Riker to rouse emotions in an android. However, Picard tries to do it with a speech, rousing the emotion of fury: the android kills Picard so he will shut up! Riker gets a premature command.
THE SAVAGE CURTAIN
Picard agrees with Surak that they won't fight. Instead, Picard uses a speech in order to bore to death their enemies. Unfortunately, this also kills Lincoln, Surak and Riker.
ALL OUR YESTERDAYS
Picard, Troi and the weasel are sent to the planet's past. Picard, after returning, decides to flee from the nova, leaving both pestilences behind. Too bad this wasn't his idea, but Worf's.
TURNABOUT INTRUDER
Vash exchanges herself with Picard. Unfortunately for her, everyone notes the change: the captain has become assertive. They do shut up and accept the new "Picard", though, and Vash (with Picard's mind) is killed. Good ending for a wimp captain (and the TV show).

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