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THE BABYLON 5 BOGUS EPISODE LIST
This is the Babylon 5 episode list, with a short description for each
episode. My memory is somewhat weak, so maybe this list is not 100%
- THE FLATTERING
A Minbari warrior, disguised as a human called Douglas Adams, sneaks into the
station and nearly kills the Vogon ambassador. Sinclair pursues and defeats
him, and then the Minbari taunts him with the intriguing phrase "There is a
hole in your butt.".
- MIDNIGHT ON THE FRAGGIN' LINE
When the Narn severely defeat the Centauri in the B5 Doom deathmatch
tournament, London tries to kill K'Gar.
- SEAL HUNTER
A seal hunter arrives at the station. Delenn tries to kill him to protect
this innocent creatures, but Sinclair and another seal hunter catch and kill
him first for his out of season hunting.
- BORING TO THE PEOPLE
London's career is in jeopardy when a bunch of Centauris decide that they've
had enough of his bitterness and his silly jokes.
An archaeologist brings ancient books onto the station that teach him how to
inflect the voice to use it as a weapon. Later, reverend mothers from the
Bene Gesserit come after the books.
- THE PARLORMAID OF DREADS
An old enemy sends a dreadful parlormaid to kill K'Gar during a week-long
festival where humans and aliens demonstrate their religious disbelieves.
- MIND WART
Talia's old Psi-Corps instructor is the volunteer of a secret experiment that
makes him grow a huge wart on his head. After he escapes, the Psi-Cop Pester
goes after him.
- THE WART PRAYER
A vicious pro-Earth group (the Homewart) attacks a Minbari poet, claiming
that aliens are coming to Earth to steal our warts.
- AND THE SKY FULL OF WARTS
Sinclair is kidnapped and interrogated by members of another pro-Earth group,
determined to find out wether the Minbari are after human warts. A net.junkie
is killed by hordes of men bored with his obsession with warts.
An old war criminal is attacked by Na'Toth when the former jaywalks on a
street in the station. Ambassador Kosher of the Vogons later has her killed
claiming "You are not ready for jaywalking.".
Doctor Franklin has trouble with an alien family that won't believe his
diagnosis of the sickness of their dying child.
Gary Baldy drinks alcohol, breaking a long abstinence, after hearing his
seventeenth favorite thing in the universe: old Survivor songs.
- BY ANY MINES UNNECESSARY
An accident in a nearby mine (just where?) sparks an illegal strike.
London refuses to send flowers to his former flame, K'Gar, though the latter
expects him to do so.
- SIGHS AND POTTERS
The RAIDers attack the station, scaring the hell out of N'Grath and other
insectoid aliens. London obtains a trinket. Lady Ladira scares the insurance
companies that have contracts with Earth Force.
- MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
Some travellers arrive to B5, seeking the Holy Grail. It's later proved that
they are King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Jonathan Frakes
prosecutes in court a big-black-eyed alien.
An internal affairs investigation is set up and Ari Ben Zayn gets to hear
everything that happens in the station. He suffers severe ear damage when
Gary Baldy starts up the motorcycle in which a microphone had been installed,
precisely the same one Ari had been trying to listen to, with the volume
turned totally up. Later, Lennier joins the "Hell's Angels".
- A WHALE IN THE WILDERNESS, PART 1
Investigation of seismic activity on the planet near the station shows that a
huge sperm whale appeared out of nowhere and fell onto the planet (along with
a bowl of petunias). Riots are formed on a Earth colony when the supply of
Mars bars runs out.
- A WHALE IN THE WILDERNESS, PART 2
Sinclair must fight against two whaleboats (a norwegian and a japanese) that
claim rights to the whale corpse. Drool, a Minbari, ends up claiming the
whole planet for himself (because he found some extremely valuable warts, but
he doesn't say that). Riots on the colony calm down when the rebels find a
huge depository full of Snickers.
- BABYLIKE SQUALOR
Babylon 4 returns as abruptly as it vanished to clean up some baby
excrements. Delenn hangs out with some of those Grey dudes - one of them
gives her some kind of toy.
- THE QUANTITY OF MILDRED
Talia has to check out how many women called "Mildred" were killed by a
convicted murderer, who is going to be asswiped soon.
An old friend of Gary Baldy arrives to the station to learn how the alien
kids handle the "Theory Of Knowledge" course in schools.
A girl exhibits her new car, a Subaru Legacy, and the Psi-Cars tries to get
hold of her.
Jack decides he's had enough of Gary Baldy's orders, so he shoots him in the
back. A practical joke made to the Narns in London's name gets out of
- POINTS OF DEWARTURE
As John Sheridan, the new dermatologist, arrives to the station (much to the
objection of the Minbari, who call him "wartkiller"), a renegade Minbari
wartship arrives, threatening B5.
K'Gar manages to escape from a massive attack of revenants in a Doom II game.
Gary Baldy discovers why he lost on the 2-team deathmatch tournament. Delenn
abandons the Telly Savalas Fan Club.
- THE GEOMANCY OF SHADBLOWS
London tries to have his fortune told by a Knight who says "Ni", who requires
a shrubbery to do it. Ivanova tries to reconcile two Drazi groups, proving
that she's daltonian (she can't distinguish green and purple). She succeeds
by giving them a common target: Barney the Dinosaur, who is quickly destroyed
by both Drazi bands.
- A DISTANT WART
When the star warts collector, the Cortez ship, is lost out in the fields, B5
launches a rescue mission. The Minbari dislike Delenn's abandonment of their
- THE LONG DARK TEA-TIME OF THE SOUL
When a ship carrying hot potatoes arrives to B5, an evil hairy green-eyed
figure, armed with a scythe, is unleashed on the station.
Dwight Schultz as Svlad Cjelli.
- A SPIDER IN THE WORLD WIDE WEB
Talia reads a WWW page that wasn't meant to be seen, and gets in severe
trouble - an unknown admin even orders her InterWeb account closed.
- A DATE THROUGH DARK MAZES
Pester and Talia go out for a date; when they get lost on a maze and stumble
into a secret operation, Talia gets new companions and Pester daydreams about
killing them all - except for her dear Talia.
- SOUR BAITS
A big bait set up by London attracts his three wives to the station, but his
plan to get rid of them backfires on him. Another Talia's old instructor
tries to get it with her.
- THE SHADOWS ARE COMING! - 1996 Huguenot Award Winner
During a cooperative Doom tournament, K'Gar tries to kill the guest of the
week, the Centauri emperor, but he dies first. Meanwhile, a rancher called
Paul Revere arrives to the station claiming "The Shadows are coming! The
Shadows are coming!".
Doctor Franklin's father arrives to the station, leading 25000 gripers onto
the station. This mega-whining irritates everybody, humans and aliens.
- ALL ALLIED IN THE NILE
Sheridan is kidnapped and taken to a Strait ship. Delenn is kicked out from
the sysadmin team that controls the MinbarNet. After that, Jonathan Frakes
and her direct the assault to the Strait planet to recover Sheridan.
- FACTS OF (SACRED) LIFE
K'Gar asks Sheridan and Delenn for help, as the Narn are losing in the Doom
deathmatch tournaments against the Centauri. Sheridan agrees only to give
them stimpacks and medikits. Ivanova fakes rishatra.
Due to a strange space-time rift in Warner Bros. territories, four annoying
female teens appear in the station - Narns and Centauris unite and kill them
- HUNTER PRAYS
A prey manages to escape from his hunter, along with evidence proving that
the hunter is using illegal weapons. The hunter prays that he won't be
accused, alongside with doing some more hunting in the meantime.
- HERE ALL THE HONEY LIES
Sheridan gets in trouble when he kills a Mutant Bear From Outer Space in what
he claims to be self-defense. Another mutant bear pursues Sheridan, but is
finally spaced. Sheridan's lawyer, as every lawyer in the galaxy, proves to
be entirely useless.
- AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
Thousands of TV viewers are annoyed when they find that B5 has been replaced
with a CNN clone. Their anger disappears when they realize this clone is
reporting a big conflict between Narns and Centauris, right in B5 space.
London and an old friend, Urza Janis, duel to the death - with insults as
their weapons, of course. Sheridan thinks he's being possessed, but later he
finds out he's actually going mad.
- THE SHAKIES OF Z'HA DOOM
Sheridan discovers that Mordant was a beta-tester in an old, creepy,
extremely scary PWAD called "Z'ha". The Narn make massive tourist visits to
the station. Talia and Zax Allen watch an old movie based on George Orwell's
- PHONE CONNECTIONS AND LAMINATIONS
Markab telephone sanitizers do a planet-wide strike, causing a virulent
disease to spread abroad all the Markab population. Markabs follow the path
of the Golgafrinchams.
- DIVIDED ROYALTIES
Alexandra Litany, the station's first marketing manager, returns with a
warning that one of B5's officers is stealing part of the money made by their
- THE SHORT, TWISTED STUBBLE
After cloaked ships destroy all the Narn players in a Descent tournament, the
Centauri manage to beat them entirely, winning the tournament. Sheridan &
Delenn drop by at Drool's place at tea hour, so he fakes a headache to get
rid of this pair of spongers.
- COMES THE INIQUITOUS
Ambassador Kosher summons an ancient man to test Delenn's allegiance. After
Delenn and this guy are left alone, he takes out some knives and reveals his
- THE FAD OF KNIGHTS
After the Centauri impose their fads to the Narn, Earth takes sides with the
former. Sheridan refuses to get a Centauri hairstyle, and this pisses them
off. Vogon Ambassador Kosher defends Sheridan, presenting (albeit
anonymously) a fad of his own, which most of the people like. Keffer is
killed when he discovers that the Shadows go around naked.
- MATTRESS OF HORNETS
The Centauri set up hornets around Sqornshellous Zeta, so the ranchers that
are in a summer camp in there won't be able to leave the place. Sheridan goes
there with an insecticide and cleans the place, but a huge poisonous spider
goes after him. London wants Mordant to stop being his dancing partner. An
Earth modiste comes to the station in order to find out what do the other
major governments know about Shadows' clothing.
A series of critical failures in the station's water heating systems is
detected and stopped by a bunch of monks.
- A DAY IN THE STRIKE
Another strike hits the station and Sheridan has to deal with it. An alien
player bluffs during a poker game, but Sheridan outbluffs him. Not'Far, sent
by the Centauri, arrives to replace K'Gar as the official Narn player in the
station for the Doom tournaments. London gets rid of Vir by sending him away
to another TV show, much to Vir's dislike of this maneuver (he'd rather...
- VICES OF AUTHORITIES
Ivanova, spying from the planet near the station, discovers some bad habits
of Captain Sheridan, Drool, the Vogons and a really nasty habit of Earth
Alliance President Arthur Clarke, former President of Vices. K'Gar has a very
bad time working as a surveyor.
- PASSIVE TO GET SOME MORE TITS
Ambassador Kosher gets a female assistant - just one. One of the monks, after
drinking too much (and watching some ancient TOTO vids), has strange visions,
which he simply attributes to the delirium tremens and forgets the whole
- TURD TO TURD
Turd (an addictive drug that allows a person to control someone else's
sphincter) is found on the station, prompting a visit by the Psi-Cop Pester,
who wants it back. K'Gar gets a Turd dose, and uses it against London - but
Centauri excrement happens to be a heavy Narn hallucinogen, so K'Gar ends up
having worrisome visions.
- EXXON NEMESIS
Ivanova performs some sexual harassment, with varying results (Lieutenant
Coffin stands back, and Narcus tries to go for it). Franklin investigates an
invasion by parasitic aliens that attach themselves to humans. When he
discovers they're not the well-intentioned Vindrizi they claim to be, but
rather they are disguised Trills, he kicks them off the station and off the
entire galaxy for good. During the investigation, Narcus confesses to
Franklin that he hates Exxon to death.
- MASSAGES FROM EARTH
Sheridan discovers that the Minbari masseuse aboard the White Stuff ship is
much better than the human masseurs he's used to, and decides to stick with
her. Earth Force does not like this, and sends Sheridan's old wartship to
force him to retract. President Clarke declares Earth under Martian law
(which is odd, considering Mars is an Earth colony).
- POINT OF NO RERUN
PTEN announces no more B5 reruns will be aired. Political analyst Christine
Chapel predicts that the Mollari/Cotto team will win the upcoming Centauri
elections. President Palpatine Clarke dissolves the Senate and the NightWart
tries to control the station by force, but they're stopped by a squad of
Narns with baseball bats.
- SEVERED REARS - 1997 Huguenot Award Winner
The Masseuse Incident grows out of proportion, and Clarke (being an
ex-masseur himself and still a member of their union) sends his military
police to the station to kick Sheridan's butt. Some military officers get to
know this and go to help Sheridan, and to kick the military police's butts. A
drunken Minbari tells Delenn that the Non-Alighted worlds are kicking each
other's butts, so she goes to see the Grey Council, kicking some of the
members in the butt for their laziness. Mars Government refuses to apply
Martian law (one has to wonder why...), so President Clarke orders to have
their butts kicked. ISDN noses in, as usual, so Clarke also has their butts
kicked. When the military police arrives to B5 they begin butt-kicking all
over, but the invading soldiers are intercepted by Narns that did not get to
kick Centauri butts, and want to finally kick something. Delenn returns to
the station with some heavy boots, and threatens to have them stuck in the
military police's butts: they get scared at this prospect and finally
All in all, an ass-kicking episode.
- CEREMONIES OF BLIGHT AND WARTS
As the NightWart members are kicked off the station, some of them manage to
kidnap Delenn and demand the station's remaining warts as ransom. Sheridan,
not wanting to cancel his dinner with her at Frost Air (the most
expensive restaurant in the vicinity), goes out and rescues Delenn. Later,
Ivanova divulges the real reason she cried when Talia left: Talia owed her
big bucks. London is jealous of Refa's dating with Mordant, so he poisons
Refa. Gary Baldy meets a cousin of Eddie, the shipboard computer.
- A LATE DELIVERY FROM ALCATRAZ
Logan, a sandman, arrives to the station investigating a clue obtained from a
runner that tried to reach the Sanctuary. He is quite surprised when he
discovers most of the people here are older than 30, have no life clock, and
Doctor Moreau's bizarre creations are everywhere. Narcus realizes that he's
actually that stupid guy that started the Earth/Minbari war when he confused
the first cooperative DOOM game between both species with a deathmatch, and
now has assumed this fictitious identity to cover his sorry ass.
- SICK TRANSIENT VIPS
During a weekend visit to the station, Vir discovers that an ex-girlfriend of
her still has the hots for him. She, for old times' sake, asks Vir for a
little present, namely a still beating Narn heart. His refusal (and the fact
that Vir's been passing injured Narns through customs as if they were
ambassadors, business men and the like) angers London so much that he manages
to have Vir's contract cancelled on that other TV show.
- CAR OF FEARS
The Psi-Cop Pester arrives to the station with disturbing news: the Shadows
have infiltrated the Psi-Cars in order to sell the enormous stock of Dodge
cars they have. Furthermore, they have trained some Psi-Cars members to drive
them so insanely that they make everyone afraid. Delenn finally confesses to
K'Gar that she knew the Centauri were cheating in the Doom deathmatch
tournaments against the Narn.
- INTERRUPTIONS AND EXAGGERATIONS
London is having a date with a former girlfriend, but Mordant interrupts and
ruins the whole evening. Ambassador Kosher of the Vogons plays a prank on the
Shadows (he opened their bathroom door, and everyone got to see them with
their pants down doing #2), so they play back another one, and it gets out of
Ambassador Kosher arrives back to the station in a runabout he took from his
home. After more than two years, this dirty Vogon has finally changed his
clothing. Franklin meets a singer and they both talkabout a lot of irrelevant
stuff. The Shadows play a DOOM deathmatch against Sheridan - they think
they're unbeatable, and run off scared when they realize the cheat keys are
useless in a multiplayer game.
- WART WITHOUT END, PART 1
An impressively huge wart appears near Minbar, and Sinclair begins exploring
it. Huge as it is, it extends up to Babylon 5, and when Sinclair arrives
there, Sheridan, Delenn and an unemployed math teacher join him in the
exploration. During their voyage, Sheridan eats something that makes him
deage until he's a baby. The group arrives at a stopping point that turns out
to be a hidden Babylon 4, where Sheridan defecates while he dreams about how
things will be when he's again a grown-up adult.
- WART WITHOUT END, PART 2
Sheridan continues day-dreaming while the rest of the people are exploring.
Finally, Sinclair decides he's going to continue the exploration until he
sees the end of the wart, and that the best way to do it is by taking B4 as
his ship. He cleans out Sheridan's excrements and goes away with the station,
leaving everyone and everything behind, except for a Minbari costume he used
in a recent party.
- 17 GREYHOUNDS ARE MISSING
Gary Baldy investigates the disappearance of some buses from the station's
transport system, and finds out they've been taken by some people that want
to visit Elm Street. The ranchers begin selling their ranches to Delenn, but
Nero doesn't like this, as he also wants to buy them. Narcus delays him by
doing a ben'chmark of his staff in front of him, forcing Nero to arrive too
late to the auction.
- AND THE TOAD CRIED OUT, NO WARTS IN THIS PLACE
Some information smugglers arrive to the station, disguised as Jehovah's
Witnesses (so no one will want to spend any time with them in the customs
checkpoints). London tells Refa there's an awful lot of warts in an abandoned
building in Narn, so Refa goes looking for them. Right after realizing it was
just a prank, he gets confused with a practise target by a Narn Bat Squad.
Delenn buys a big lot of Pentiums, so Sheridan can upgrade his network and
replace the DOOM deathmatch tournaments with Quake deathmatchs.
- SHADOW FRAGGING
The first Quake deathmatch against the Shadows is prepared, but the
non-alighted worlds don't want to use their computers, as they are old and
slow. Franklin is attacked, but his twin brother rescues him. The deathmatch
is played, and the Shadows surrender - but for every frag Sheridan and co.
score, the Shadows made two. Delenn decides she hates snowglobes and proceeds
- Z'HA DOOM
The Shadows invite Sheridan to their house to play their most famous PWAD -
Z'ha DOOM. Sheridan plays a deathmatch with them, and when he begins losing
it he has a tantrum and breaks stuff all over the place, until he leaves in a
subway. Gary Baldy goes hitchhiking.
- AN HOUR OF WOLFENSTEIN 3-D
Susan Ivanova does some file maintenance on her hard disk, and when she finds
her old games, she takes an hour off playing Wolfenstein 3-D. Ambassador
Kosher pretends to be a Borg, but no one falls for his prank.
- WHAT EVER FATTENED MR. GARY BALDY?
Everyone wonders how Mr. Gary Baldy gained so much weight, considering he
hasn't been able to eat any Bagna Cauda since the station broke away from
Earth. Sheridan chats with the driver in the subway.
- THE SUBORNING
Sheridan bribes the subway driver to take a detour and leave him near B5.
Gary Baldy learns the pros and cons of hitchhiking the hard way. Narcus and
Ivanova cut short a picnic when they discover the Vogons' plan: they have
sent their entire Constructor Fleet to demolish all the planets in the sector
to build one huge hyperspace bypass.
- FAILING HOWARD'S APOLOGIES
While the Vogon Constructor Fleet does its demolishing job, Howard (a
security guard) shoots Ambassador Kosher accidentally with his PPG. When he
refuses to apologize, Ambassador Kosher decides to read in public some of its
poetry as a punishment - Arthur Dent and some other people kill him to avoid
billions of horrible deaths.
- THE LONG BLIGHT
The Shadows send out their own demolisher to aid the Vogons in their job.
Emperor Cartilage gets the flu, so London injects him some penicillin -
unaware he's allergic to it. K'Gar, suffering delusions of godhood, believes
he's Odin reincarnated. Sheridan tells Leif Ericksson, a viking, to invite
the Shadows and the Vogons over to drink some coriander tea.
- ENTER THE OLD FART
London learns that Mordant used to work as a puppeteer; disgusted by this,
London destroys his puppets - Mordant loses his head complaining about this
abusive act. During the tea, Sheridan brings on Zaphod Beeblebrox, President
of the Imperial Galactic Government, and informs him that the hyperspace
bypass the Vogons are building (aided by the Shadows) does not conform to
current regulations. Zaphod agrees, suspends the construction indefinitely
and fires both Vogons and Shadows for their incompetent performance, taking
them away with him.
Gari Baldy quits his job, because he feels he's too fat for his duties (too
much Bagna Cauda during his hitchhiking?). Pester and Sheridan try to have a
picnic at Z'Ha'Dum, but are forced to cancel their plan when the planet goes
Z'ha'BOOM. Zax invites Litany to his second favorite thing in the
universe. The Great Maker edits out a scene where John & Delenn kissed,
and she stuck her tongue up to his epiglottis.
- THE ILLNESS OF TRUSTING
Sheridan prepares Bagna Cauda for some telepaths he invited over. However,
the food is cooked so badly that most of them become ill and have to go to
the Medlab. An ISDN journalist reports this, so the entire galaxy gets to
know how lousy a cook Sheridan is (complete with Gary Baldy's comments about
how he tried to give him cooking advice, but Sheridan wouldn't listen).
Delenn hires some humans to kill a Grey Council member (paying them with
ducats) so she can take his position, but they kill the wrong Minbari.
Calling discovers this and confronts her, but agrees to "forget" the issue
when she blackmails him. Franklin and Narcus take off on to a vacation.
- RAISING MARS BARS
The station's supply of candy bars runs out, so everyone gets a part in the
task of replenishing it: Ivanova arranges for shipments full of Snickers,
Zax takes responsibility for Three Musketeers bars, and Franklin and Narcus
go to the nearest store to buy a big Mars Bars pack. Gary Baldy, however,
refuses to take care of the Milky Way bars, and this angers Sheridan very
much. Lennier watches a Daffy Duck cartoon, but doesn't understand it.
- LIENS OF COMMUTATION
Narcus and Franklin run out of money paying the Mars Bars' liens for every
ship they commute to on their way back to the station, as export regulations
require. While in her farm, Delenn is attacked by a bunch of drakes (released
from their yard by Forall), but she successfully repels them.
- COMFITS OF INTERNISTS
When Franklin arrives back at the station, he gives several packs full of
comfits to some of the internists that work in the Medlab with him, so
everybody else wants to get some, too. Ivanova begins hosting a new TV talk
show. Gary Baldy wanders around with some friends; while in a store, one of
them shoplifts a perfume, and they all get in trouble running away from the
- RUMORS, LIES AND VIDEOTAPE
Lennier, while engaged to Delenn, is having an affair with her sister. Nero,
an old friend of Lennier's, arrives and takes a friendly interest in Delenn.
Later, Nero films Delenn's sister talking about her sexual experiences.
Delenn discovers this, and forces him to tape her too. After that, Delenn
dumps Lennier and begins a relationship with Nero, who destroys his
Written & directed by Steven Soderbergh.
- MODEMS ON TRANSMISSION
As a planet-wide two-team Quake deathmatch reaches a climax on Minbar, Delenn
and Shakily agree to dance into the light - however, he jilts her. When Nero
learns of this, he takes Shakily's place to save Delenn from the
embarrassment. The deathmatch ends up with a tie. Gary Baldy imports quietly
some powders for Edgar Williams. Litany loses a bet she made with Pester, and
takes it quite badly. Sheridan learns that Clarke's been illegally
expropriating other people's warts, so he decides to end this wart-ripping
once and for all.
- NO SURRENDER VALUE, NO RETRIEVAL
Clarke's insurance company is refusing either to pay the proper
indemnifications to the proximal people or return the warts Clarke ripped off
from them; he even sends his insurance agents to harass them. Sheridan goes
there to kick them off, but some actually switch sides, paying the proper
surrender values to the insured people who deserved it in the first place.
Gary Baldy goes hitchhiking again.
- THE EXECRABLE VITIATED POWDERS
Edgar Williams prepares lunch for some friends of him, but the powders he
used while cooking were quite past their expiration date, so the people that
ate his meal get very, very sick. Gary Baldy is very happy to have reached
Mars in his journey.
- FACE OF THE ENEMY
Litany is kidnapped by the Romulans, surgically altered to look like them,
and taken to a Romulan colony, where she must help some (frozen) V.I.P.s to
defect to Babylon 5. Sheridan is caught cheating at poker, and has to face
its consequences. Edgar Williams tells Gary Baldy a bedtime story; however,
Gary Baldy doesn't like it, so he has Pester tell him another one, which is
even more disgusting. After that, Edgar Williams, still not believing his
food was that bad, eats the rest of it - with disastrous results.
- INTERMISSIONS IN UNREAL TIME
During lunch time, Sheridan rendezvous with a friend in a bar, where they
chit-chat over a couple of sandwiches, and have such a good time at this that
they don't realize how much time passes.
- BEATING THE FATNESS AND THE PLIGHT
Sheridan is still on the bar chatting with his friend when Gary Baldy and
Franklin arrive to remind him lunch time has finished and he has to get back
to work. Litany tries to flirt with a waiter, but he doesn't hide his dislike
for her. Ivanova learns some Shadows are still working (on a freelance basis)
for Clarke, so she nicely talks them out of it.
- ENDER'S GAME
Ender Wiggin, who turns out to be a bugger agent, deploys the "Dr. Device"
weapon against Earth. Sheridan and other persons, who were fighting for some
Mars Bars packs, notice this and destroy the weapon before it reaches the
planet, but fail to get hold of Wiggin before he takes his own life.
- RISING WARTS
After stopping Clarke's wart-ripping campaign, Sheridan reports to the
dermatologist's Union to justify his actions. Though Sheridan's intention was
a respectable one, his methods weren't, so his dermatologist license is
revoked in punishment. Delenn proposes to the Centauri, the Narn and the
Non-Alighted worlds to interconnect their computer networks, thus founding
the Internet. Earth joins when they're offered Linux for their computers,
liberating them from the slow & less efficient Micro$oft operating
- THE EXTIRPATION OF FALLING WARTS
Sheridan's infamous misdoings as a dermatologist, and the effect those had on
people, are reviewed by a historian from the future.
- NO CON PROMISES
B5's new head, Captain Lochley, arrives to the station. A con man called
Brian tries to swindle her, but she doesn't buy any of his promises.
Sheridan's washing machine breaks down, so he decides to wash his clothing
himself - this angers the repair man so much that he tries to kill Sheridan.
A boy who was playing "Simon says" thinks they're playing too, so he follows
them... and dies.
- THE VERY LONG NIGHT OF SUSAN IVANOVA
The Great Maker rehashes an unused season 2 script. Lennier inherits a ranch
full of cattle, so he decides to move there and become a rancher. After
drinking too much breviary, London suffers delirium tremens and a has very
- THE PARANOID ANIMOSITY
Sheridan is trying to make the Non-Alighted Worlds ambassadors sign several
sales contracts, but they are strangely reluctant about the transaction.
Later, Brian informs Sheridan that someone else is offering them lower prices
for the same deal - fearing he'll be driven out of the market, Sheridan has
the competitor's store attacked and destroyed.
- A VIET FROM THE GALLEY
A vietnamese oarsman and a friend of his tour the station, visiting its most
interesting places. They even get to see the fireworks show in the Sanctuary.
- LEARNING CURSES
Turban teaches how to swear and insult effectively to a group of Rancher
apprentices. Tawnier, one of them, gets into an insult duel prematurely, and
his defeat depresses him a lot. Turban makes him feel better by organizing
the return match, which this time is won by Tawnier.
- STRAINED REDACTIONS
K'Gar keeps writing official Internet documents in a VERY strange way, until
he is reassigned to be London's secretary. Pester comes to the station with a
warrant to get Brian, but the document stretches the language so badly no one
considers it to have any legal force.
- SECRETS OF THE SOIL
Franklin learns how to be a farmer. Litany and Brian rent a porn movie, but
they take by mistake a documentary about the Vogons.
- THE KING OF THE BLAND
Brian tries to form a new monarchy and proclaims himself a king, but every
single person with a little balls opposes him, so only the softest of his
former employees follow him. The Internet servers begin having a heavy packet
- A COMEDY OF SOCIOPATHS
King Brian's followers try to isolate themselves, so they won't have to show
their antisocial behavior. In so doing, they make so many mistakes everyone
ends up laughing out loud at them. London has a date with Na'Toth. Several
sysadmins begin blaming each other over the packet loss problems.
- PHOENIX RISING
Sheridan discovers the famous MAME project, and begins playing the old arcade
games it supports: Asteroids, Pac Man, Space Invaders, Frogger, Galaxian,
Elevator Action (Gary Baldy's favorite), Phoenix, Missile Command, Time Pilot
(Sinclair's favorite), Joust, Zaxxon, etcetera. Quite soon, Phoenix rises as
- DAY OF THE BED
Gary Baldy finally gets some; so does London. Oneiros pays a visit to the
- THE FRAGGED LEDGE
Gary Baldy -in a tour at the Drazi homeworld- is standing on a balcony.
Someone shoots him, but misses and hits the nearby cornice. K'Gar sells a
movie script that turns out to be a blockbuster hit, so he becomes a star.
- THAT CORPSE IS MY MOTHER, THAT CORPSE IS MY FATHER
A telepath kills his parents and then his uncle Pester goes after him.
- MEDICATIONS ON THE ABBEY
Brother Theo usurps part of Franklin's attributions.
- FATNESS ASCENDING
Gary Baldy keeps gaining weight because he won't stop eating Bagna Cauda.
Lennier finds out that the Centauri's buggy routers are responsible for the
packet loss problems. Litany buys from K'Gar a mail server for her own use.
- IN ALL MY DREAMS, TRON IS UNDER ME
London has recurring nightmares where he is an accounting program that has to
defeat Sheridan by throwing discs at him.
- MORE MENTIONS OF FARTS AND SHADBLOWS
London talks about those Knights who say "Ni" so much, K'Gar ends up
vomiting. The Narn and Drazi sysadmins grow bored of Centauri sysadmins'
incompetence, so they decide to shut down their servers themselves. Sheridan
disapproves, but no one cares about it.
- THE FALL OF CENTAURI PRIME
London takes a guided tour that showcases the greatest and prettiest places
during Centauri Prime's autumn.
- WHEEL OF FORTUNE
Pat Sajak & Vanna White continue to host the most popular TV show in the
entire Earth Alliance.
- SUBJECTS IN MOTION PICTURES
A disgruntled actor that did not get to work in K'Gar's movie demands
reparations from him, but K'Gar doesn't even listen to his complaints. After
that, he marries Litany and goes with her to the honeymoon. Franklin's wife
arrives to B5, so he runs away from the station.
- SUBJECTS AT GEST
Sheridan and Delenn move out of B5 to a better place, and both of them laugh
at the people that are still stuck at the station. Lennier finds out they're
going to be his neighbors, so he moves out of his ranch.
- SLAPPING THE KNIGHT
Gary Baldy, Delenn, Ivanova, Franklin and Vir decide they're sick of
Sheridan's dumb jokes, so they all slap him. After that, he goes out to a
party, but gets lost in the way. The Great Maker finally gets bored of
Babylon 5, so he personally goes and blows it up.
- THE BEGGING
Two Centauri kids beg London for a story, and he tells them the one about the
Earth/Minbari War, where the Humans begged for mercy to the Minbari and got
their asses kicked, begged to the Centauri for weapons and got disdain, and
begged to the Narn for any help and got useless weapons at high prices. By
the end, the Humans are ready to flee Earth and beg for sanctuary somewhere,
but the Minbari hear the Vogons' beggings and stop their attack. London tries
to continue, but the kids beg him to stop, as they are bored and don't care
at all about such a dumb story.
The Love Boat is found adrift in hyperspace and is brought to B5 for repairs.
While it's there, lots of romance, flirting and loving caresses occur. It's
all so nice that Sheridan gets jealous and sinks the ship.
- THE RIVER OF SEALS
An entire colony of seals installs itself in a river near the station, where
they become a hazard to navigation and fishing. The entire Guild of seal
hunters comes to the station, claiming they can solve the problem, but
Lochley's lawyer points out that hunting season hasn't started yet, so they
must find another way. Finally, Lochley convinces the seals to move out and
install themselves on a much prettier beach in Ralga's coast.
- CALL TO ARMS
The Dominion tries to invade Alliance's space, but Sheridan -helped by
Captain Sisko aboard the Victory- forces it to retreat. Alas, the Dominion
manages to infect planet Earth with a disease that will make people grow
abnormally huge warts all over their bodies. The prospect of having billions
of humans grossly disfigured is so terrible that Sheridan orders the Alliance
to search for a cure to this disease.
- THE LUGGAGE OF THE RANCHERS: TWO LIVERS AND DYE FROM THE WALMART
Some newly appointed ranchers travel with really odd stuff in their
- WART ZONE
A human expedition studies some odd warts growing in an alien planet, and a
Drakh team tries to kill them to steal their valuable booty - however, the
humans manage to call for help, and Captain Giddy comes to the rescue,
blowing the evil Drakh out of the sky.
- THE LONG TOAD
EarthForce's medical branch is studying a recently discovered strange species
of amphibian on a distant planet, but their research is disturbed by the
local "animal rights" activists.
- THE WART OF FOREVER
Captain Giddy is convinced by Gandalf the Bald to take a hyperspace detour
that leads them to Wart Heaven.
- THE MATH OF MARROWS
After Gandalf manages to open the Moria gate, the Excalibur team finds a
Balrog and invite him to lunch. During the meal, everyone takes a turn to
tell his happiest memory, and they all have a jolly good time.
- PATTERNS OF THE SOIL
The Excalibur crew studies a series of huge ground markings over the Andes
mountains, that resemble drawings of birds and other animals when seen from
- RULING FROM THE WOMB
The Excalibur visits a planet where the local supreme ruler is a VERY
- THE MULES OF THE DAME
Captain Lochley is selling a bunch of her work animals, and Captain Giddy
offers to be his agent. Some Logans try to buy them at a ridiculously low
price, so Giddy rejects the offer. The Logan's run after Giddy, insisting on
the trade proposal, and after bribing him with some jewels, he accepts the
offer. Lochley is extremely upset when she finds this out, and treats Giddy
quite harshly for his less than honorable action.
- APPRENTICES TAKE ANOTHER DEFEAT
A group of disciples of the infamous body-snatchers try to invade the
Excalibur, but are defeated yet again. Captain Giddy finally washes his
uniform, and discovers the laundromat clerk was right, after all: that
uniform wasn't black when he first began using it.
- THE RAGING KNIGHT
Captain Giddy and his crew arrive at a seemingly abandoned but well preserved
castle. Soon, they are savagely attacked by Kool-Aid, its keeper. After
Gandalf tricks him, they calm him down enough to talk, and learn he's in
charge of keeping the building in place until the owner returns from his
- THE MEMOIR OF WARTS
The Excalibur visits a planet where everyone was killed by a malfunctioning
automated wart remover. Gandalf locates the power button and turns the
machine off. Later, Dr. Chanters reads its user's manual and learns some cool
- THE WEEDS OF EARTH
The Excalibur receives and gives sanctuary to a certain Nathan Vader that's a
fugitive from justice, and Captain Giddy refuses to turn him over to the
police when he's demanded so. Dr. Chanters gives him some music to listen:
gangsta' rap, techno-dance, death metal and the like. Nathan can't take any
more, and runs away, turning himself to the police, who then free him - he
suffered way too much with that horrendous torture.
- PARANOIDS FROM DOWN THE STREET
Moulder and Scully visit the Excalibur, yet they STILL can't get any proof of
alien life before being kicked out for their ridiculous paranoid attitude.
- EACH NIGHT I DREAM OF JEANNIE
Major Tony Nelson, who was off-planet when the Dominion attacked, learns that
his beloved Jeannie has been disfigured by so many warts appearing in her
body, she's barely recognizable. Still, he wants to go back to Earth and be
at her side.
Return to Sector 83x9x12.
Last modified: 09/06/2002