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THE BABYLON 5 BOGUS EPISODE LIST

This is the Babylon 5 episode list, with a short description for each episode. My memory is somewhat weak, so maybe this list is not 100% accurate.

PILOT MOVIE

FIRST SEASON ("Sighs and Potters")

  1. MIDNIGHT ON THE FRAGGIN' LINE
    When the Narn severely defeat the Centauri in the B5 Doom deathmatch tournament, London tries to kill K'Gar.

  2. SEAL HUNTER
    A seal hunter arrives at the station. Delenn tries to kill him to protect this innocent creatures, but Sinclair and another seal hunter catch and kill him first for his out of season hunting.

  3. BORING TO THE PEOPLE
    London's career is in jeopardy when a bunch of Centauris decide that they've had enough of his bitterness and his silly jokes.

  4. INFLECTION
    An archaeologist brings ancient books onto the station that teach him how to inflect the voice to use it as a weapon. Later, reverend mothers from the Bene Gesserit come after the books.

  5. THE PARLORMAID OF DREADS
    An old enemy sends a dreadful parlormaid to kill K'Gar during a week-long festival where humans and aliens demonstrate their religious disbelieves.

  6. MIND WART
    Talia's old Psi-Corps instructor is the volunteer of a secret experiment that makes him grow a huge wart on his head. After he escapes, the Psi-Cop Pester goes after him.

  7. THE WART PRAYER
    A vicious pro-Earth group (the Homewart) attacks a Minbari poet, claiming that aliens are coming to Earth to steal our warts.

  8. AND THE SKY FULL OF WARTS
    Sinclair is kidnapped and interrogated by members of another pro-Earth group, determined to find out wether the Minbari are after human warts. A net.junkie is killed by hordes of men bored with his obsession with warts.

  9. JAYWALKER
    An old war criminal is attacked by Na'Toth when the former jaywalks on a street in the station. Ambassador Kosher of the Vogons later has her killed claiming "You are not ready for jaywalking.".

  10. UNBELIEVERS
    Doctor Franklin has trouble with an alien family that won't believe his diagnosis of the sickness of their dying child.

  11. SURVIVOR
    Gary Baldy drinks alcohol, breaking a long abstinence, after hearing his seventeenth favorite thing in the universe: old Survivor songs.

  12. BY ANY MINES UNNECESSARY
    An accident in a nearby mine (just where?) sparks an illegal strike. London refuses to send flowers to his former flame, K'Gar, though the latter expects him to do so.

  13. SIGHS AND POTTERS
    The RAIDers attack the station, scaring the hell out of N'Grath and other insectoid aliens. London obtains a trinket. Lady Ladira scares the insurance companies that have contracts with Earth Force.

  14. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
    Some travellers arrive to B5, seeking the Holy Grail. It's later proved that they are King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Jonathan Frakes prosecutes in court a big-black-eyed alien.

  15. EARS
    An internal affairs investigation is set up and Ari Ben Zayn gets to hear everything that happens in the station. He suffers severe ear damage when Gary Baldy starts up the motorcycle in which a microphone had been installed, precisely the same one Ari had been trying to listen to, with the volume turned totally up. Later, Lennier joins the "Hell's Angels".

  16. A WHALE IN THE WILDERNESS, PART 1
    Investigation of seismic activity on the planet near the station shows that a huge sperm whale appeared out of nowhere and fell onto the planet (along with a bowl of petunias). Riots are formed on a Earth colony when the supply of Mars bars runs out.

  17. A WHALE IN THE WILDERNESS, PART 2
    Sinclair must fight against two whaleboats (a norwegian and a japanese) that claim rights to the whale corpse. Drool, a Minbari, ends up claiming the whole planet for himself (because he found some extremely valuable warts, but he doesn't say that). Riots on the colony calm down when the rebels find a huge depository full of Snickers.

  18. BABYLIKE SQUALOR
    Babylon 4 returns as abruptly as it vanished to clean up some baby excrements. Delenn hangs out with some of those Grey dudes - one of them gives her some kind of toy.

  19. THE QUANTITY OF MILDRED
    Talia has to check out how many women called "Mildred" were killed by a convicted murderer, who is going to be asswiped soon.

  20. TOK
    An old friend of Gary Baldy arrives to the station to learn how the alien kids handle the "Theory Of Knowledge" course in schools.

  21. LEGACY
    A girl exhibits her new car, a Subaru Legacy, and the Psi-Cars tries to get hold of her.

  22. CHRYSOLITE
    Jack decides he's had enough of Gary Baldy's orders, so he shoots him in the back. A practical joke made to the Narns in London's name gets out of proportion.

SECOND SEASON ("The Shadows Are Coming!")

  1. POINTS OF DEWARTURE
    As John Sheridan, the new dermatologist, arrives to the station (much to the objection of the Minbari, who call him "wartkiller"), a renegade Minbari wartship arrives, threatening B5.

  2. REVENANTS
    K'Gar manages to escape from a massive attack of revenants in a Doom II game. Gary Baldy discovers why he lost on the 2-team deathmatch tournament. Delenn abandons the Telly Savalas Fan Club.

  3. THE GEOMANCY OF SHADBLOWS
    London tries to have his fortune told by a Knight who says "Ni", who requires a shrubbery to do it. Ivanova tries to reconcile two Drazi groups, proving that she's daltonian (she can't distinguish green and purple). She succeeds by giving them a common target: Barney the Dinosaur, who is quickly destroyed by both Drazi bands.

  4. A DISTANT WART
    When the star warts collector, the Cortez ship, is lost out in the fields, B5 launches a rescue mission. The Minbari dislike Delenn's abandonment of their fan club.

  5. THE LONG DARK TEA-TIME OF THE SOUL
    When a ship carrying hot potatoes arrives to B5, an evil hairy green-eyed figure, armed with a scythe, is unleashed on the station.
    Dwight Schultz as Svlad Cjelli.

  6. A SPIDER IN THE WORLD WIDE WEB
    Talia reads a WWW page that wasn't meant to be seen, and gets in severe trouble - an unknown admin even orders her InterWeb account closed.

  7. A DATE THROUGH DARK MAZES
    Pester and Talia go out for a date; when they get lost on a maze and stumble into a secret operation, Talia gets new companions and Pester daydreams about killing them all - except for her dear Talia.

  8. SOUR BAITS
    A big bait set up by London attracts his three wives to the station, but his plan to get rid of them backfires on him. Another Talia's old instructor tries to get it with her.

  9. THE SHADOWS ARE COMING! - 1996 Huguenot Award Winner
    During a cooperative Doom tournament, K'Gar tries to kill the guest of the week, the Centauri emperor, but he dies first. Meanwhile, a rancher called Paul Revere arrives to the station claiming "The Shadows are coming! The Shadows are coming!".

  10. GRIPERS
    Doctor Franklin's father arrives to the station, leading 25000 gripers onto the station. This mega-whining irritates everybody, humans and aliens.

  11. ALL ALLIED IN THE NILE
    Sheridan is kidnapped and taken to a Strait ship. Delenn is kicked out from the sysadmin team that controls the MinbarNet. After that, Jonathan Frakes and her direct the assault to the Strait planet to recover Sheridan.

  12. FACTS OF (SACRED) LIFE
    K'Gar asks Sheridan and Delenn for help, as the Narn are losing in the Doom deathmatch tournaments against the Centauri. Sheridan agrees only to give them stimpacks and medikits. Ivanova fakes rishatra.
    Due to a strange space-time rift in Warner Bros. territories, four annoying female teens appear in the station - Narns and Centauris unite and kill them right away.

  13. HUNTER PRAYS
    A prey manages to escape from his hunter, along with evidence proving that the hunter is using illegal weapons. The hunter prays that he won't be accused, alongside with doing some more hunting in the meantime.

  14. HERE ALL THE HONEY LIES
    Sheridan gets in trouble when he kills a Mutant Bear From Outer Space in what he claims to be self-defense. Another mutant bear pursues Sheridan, but is finally spaced. Sheridan's lawyer, as every lawyer in the galaxy, proves to be entirely useless.

  15. AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
    Thousands of TV viewers are annoyed when they find that B5 has been replaced with a CNN clone. Their anger disappears when they realize this clone is reporting a big conflict between Narns and Centauris, right in B5 space.

  16. INSULTS
    London and an old friend, Urza Janis, duel to the death - with insults as their weapons, of course. Sheridan thinks he's being possessed, but later he finds out he's actually going mad.

  17. THE SHAKIES OF Z'HA DOOM
    Sheridan discovers that Mordant was a beta-tester in an old, creepy, extremely scary PWAD called "Z'ha". The Narn make massive tourist visits to the station. Talia and Zax Allen watch an old movie based on George Orwell's 1984.

  18. PHONE CONNECTIONS AND LAMINATIONS
    Markab telephone sanitizers do a planet-wide strike, causing a virulent disease to spread abroad all the Markab population. Markabs follow the path of the Golgafrinchams.

  19. DIVIDED ROYALTIES
    Alexandra Litany, the station's first marketing manager, returns with a warning that one of B5's officers is stealing part of the money made by their franchises.

  20. THE SHORT, TWISTED STUBBLE
    After cloaked ships destroy all the Narn players in a Descent tournament, the Centauri manage to beat them entirely, winning the tournament. Sheridan & Delenn drop by at Drool's place at tea hour, so he fakes a headache to get rid of this pair of spongers.

  21. COMES THE INIQUITOUS
    Ambassador Kosher summons an ancient man to test Delenn's allegiance. After Delenn and this guy are left alone, he takes out some knives and reveals his real intentions...

  22. THE FAD OF KNIGHTS
    After the Centauri impose their fads to the Narn, Earth takes sides with the former. Sheridan refuses to get a Centauri hairstyle, and this pisses them off. Vogon Ambassador Kosher defends Sheridan, presenting (albeit anonymously) a fad of his own, which most of the people like. Keffer is killed when he discovers that the Shadows go around naked.

THIRD SEASON ("Point of No Rerun")

  1. MATTRESS OF HORNETS
    The Centauri set up hornets around Sqornshellous Zeta, so the ranchers that are in a summer camp in there won't be able to leave the place. Sheridan goes there with an insecticide and cleans the place, but a huge poisonous spider goes after him. London wants Mordant to stop being his dancing partner. An Earth modiste comes to the station in order to find out what do the other major governments know about Shadows' clothing.

  2. CONVECTIONS
    A series of critical failures in the station's water heating systems is detected and stopped by a bunch of monks.

  3. A DAY IN THE STRIKE
    Another strike hits the station and Sheridan has to deal with it. An alien player bluffs during a poker game, but Sheridan outbluffs him. Not'Far, sent by the Centauri, arrives to replace K'Gar as the official Narn player in the station for the Doom tournaments. London gets rid of Vir by sending him away to another TV show, much to Vir's dislike of this maneuver (he'd rather... just... sing).

  4. VICES OF AUTHORITIES
    Ivanova, spying from the planet near the station, discovers some bad habits of Captain Sheridan, Drool, the Vogons and a really nasty habit of Earth Alliance President Arthur Clarke, former President of Vices. K'Gar has a very bad time working as a surveyor.

  5. PASSIVE TO GET SOME MORE TITS
    Ambassador Kosher gets a female assistant - just one. One of the monks, after drinking too much (and watching some ancient TOTO vids), has strange visions, which he simply attributes to the delirium tremens and forgets the whole issue.

  6. TURD TO TURD
    Turd (an addictive drug that allows a person to control someone else's sphincter) is found on the station, prompting a visit by the Psi-Cop Pester, who wants it back. K'Gar gets a Turd dose, and uses it against London - but Centauri excrement happens to be a heavy Narn hallucinogen, so K'Gar ends up having worrisome visions.

  7. EXXON NEMESIS
    Ivanova performs some sexual harassment, with varying results (Lieutenant Coffin stands back, and Narcus tries to go for it). Franklin investigates an invasion by parasitic aliens that attach themselves to humans. When he discovers they're not the well-intentioned Vindrizi they claim to be, but rather they are disguised Trills, he kicks them off the station and off the entire galaxy for good. During the investigation, Narcus confesses to Franklin that he hates Exxon to death.

  8. MASSAGES FROM EARTH
    Sheridan discovers that the Minbari masseuse aboard the White Stuff ship is much better than the human masseurs he's used to, and decides to stick with her. Earth Force does not like this, and sends Sheridan's old wartship to force him to retract. President Clarke declares Earth under Martian law (which is odd, considering Mars is an Earth colony).

  9. POINT OF NO RERUN
    PTEN announces no more B5 reruns will be aired. Political analyst Christine Chapel predicts that the Mollari/Cotto team will win the upcoming Centauri elections. President Palpatine Clarke dissolves the Senate and the NightWart tries to control the station by force, but they're stopped by a squad of Narns with baseball bats.

  10. SEVERED REARS - 1997 Huguenot Award Winner
    The Masseuse Incident grows out of proportion, and Clarke (being an ex-masseur himself and still a member of their union) sends his military police to the station to kick Sheridan's butt. Some military officers get to know this and go to help Sheridan, and to kick the military police's butts. A drunken Minbari tells Delenn that the Non-Alighted worlds are kicking each other's butts, so she goes to see the Grey Council, kicking some of the members in the butt for their laziness. Mars Government refuses to apply Martian law (one has to wonder why...), so President Clarke orders to have their butts kicked. ISDN noses in, as usual, so Clarke also has their butts kicked. When the military police arrives to B5 they begin butt-kicking all over, but the invading soldiers are intercepted by Narns that did not get to kick Centauri butts, and want to finally kick something. Delenn returns to the station with some heavy boots, and threatens to have them stuck in the military police's butts: they get scared at this prospect and finally leave.
    All in all, an ass-kicking episode.

  11. CEREMONIES OF BLIGHT AND WARTS
    As the NightWart members are kicked off the station, some of them manage to kidnap Delenn and demand the station's remaining warts as ransom. Sheridan, not wanting to cancel his dinner with her at Frost Air (the most expensive restaurant in the vicinity), goes out and rescues Delenn. Later, Ivanova divulges the real reason she cried when Talia left: Talia owed her big bucks. London is jealous of Refa's dating with Mordant, so he poisons Refa. Gary Baldy meets a cousin of Eddie, the shipboard computer.

  12. A LATE DELIVERY FROM ALCATRAZ
    Logan, a sandman, arrives to the station investigating a clue obtained from a runner that tried to reach the Sanctuary. He is quite surprised when he discovers most of the people here are older than 30, have no life clock, and Doctor Moreau's bizarre creations are everywhere. Narcus realizes that he's actually that stupid guy that started the Earth/Minbari war when he confused the first cooperative DOOM game between both species with a deathmatch, and now has assumed this fictitious identity to cover his sorry ass.

  13. SICK TRANSIENT VIPS
    During a weekend visit to the station, Vir discovers that an ex-girlfriend of her still has the hots for him. She, for old times' sake, asks Vir for a little present, namely a still beating Narn heart. His refusal (and the fact that Vir's been passing injured Narns through customs as if they were ambassadors, business men and the like) angers London so much that he manages to have Vir's contract cancelled on that other TV show.

  14. CAR OF FEARS
    The Psi-Cop Pester arrives to the station with disturbing news: the Shadows have infiltrated the Psi-Cars in order to sell the enormous stock of Dodge cars they have. Furthermore, they have trained some Psi-Cars members to drive them so insanely that they make everyone afraid. Delenn finally confesses to K'Gar that she knew the Centauri were cheating in the Doom deathmatch tournaments against the Narn.

  15. INTERRUPTIONS AND EXAGGERATIONS
    London is having a date with a former girlfriend, but Mordant interrupts and ruins the whole evening. Ambassador Kosher of the Vogons plays a prank on the Shadows (he opened their bathroom door, and everyone got to see them with their pants down doing #2), so they play back another one, and it gets out of proportion (again).

  16. RUNABOUT
    Ambassador Kosher arrives back to the station in a runabout he took from his home. After more than two years, this dirty Vogon has finally changed his clothing. Franklin meets a singer and they both talkabout a lot of irrelevant stuff. The Shadows play a DOOM deathmatch against Sheridan - they think they're unbeatable, and run off scared when they realize the cheat keys are useless in a multiplayer game.

  17. WART WITHOUT END, PART 1
    An impressively huge wart appears near Minbar, and Sinclair begins exploring it. Huge as it is, it extends up to Babylon 5, and when Sinclair arrives there, Sheridan, Delenn and an unemployed math teacher join him in the exploration. During their voyage, Sheridan eats something that makes him deage until he's a baby. The group arrives at a stopping point that turns out to be a hidden Babylon 4, where Sheridan defecates while he dreams about how things will be when he's again a grown-up adult.

  18. WART WITHOUT END, PART 2
    Sheridan continues day-dreaming while the rest of the people are exploring. Finally, Sinclair decides he's going to continue the exploration until he sees the end of the wart, and that the best way to do it is by taking B4 as his ship. He cleans out Sheridan's excrements and goes away with the station, leaving everyone and everything behind, except for a Minbari costume he used in a recent party.

  19. 17 GREYHOUNDS ARE MISSING
    Gary Baldy investigates the disappearance of some buses from the station's transport system, and finds out they've been taken by some people that want to visit Elm Street. The ranchers begin selling their ranches to Delenn, but Nero doesn't like this, as he also wants to buy them. Narcus delays him by doing a ben'chmark of his staff in front of him, forcing Nero to arrive too late to the auction.

  20. AND THE TOAD CRIED OUT, NO WARTS IN THIS PLACE
    Some information smugglers arrive to the station, disguised as Jehovah's Witnesses (so no one will want to spend any time with them in the customs checkpoints). London tells Refa there's an awful lot of warts in an abandoned building in Narn, so Refa goes looking for them. Right after realizing it was just a prank, he gets confused with a practise target by a Narn Bat Squad. Delenn buys a big lot of Pentiums, so Sheridan can upgrade his network and replace the DOOM deathmatch tournaments with Quake deathmatchs.

  21. SHADOW FRAGGING
    The first Quake deathmatch against the Shadows is prepared, but the non-alighted worlds don't want to use their computers, as they are old and slow. Franklin is attacked, but his twin brother rescues him. The deathmatch is played, and the Shadows surrender - but for every frag Sheridan and co. score, the Shadows made two. Delenn decides she hates snowglobes and proceeds in consequence.

  22. Z'HA DOOM
    The Shadows invite Sheridan to their house to play their most famous PWAD - Z'ha DOOM. Sheridan plays a deathmatch with them, and when he begins losing it he has a tantrum and breaks stuff all over the place, until he leaves in a subway. Gary Baldy goes hitchhiking.

FOURTH SEASON ("No Surrender Value, No Retrieval")

  1. AN HOUR OF WOLFENSTEIN 3-D
    Susan Ivanova does some file maintenance on her hard disk, and when she finds her old games, she takes an hour off playing Wolfenstein 3-D. Ambassador Kosher pretends to be a Borg, but no one falls for his prank.

  2. WHAT EVER FATTENED MR. GARY BALDY?
    Everyone wonders how Mr. Gary Baldy gained so much weight, considering he hasn't been able to eat any Bagna Cauda since the station broke away from Earth. Sheridan chats with the driver in the subway.

  3. THE SUBORNING
    Sheridan bribes the subway driver to take a detour and leave him near B5. Gary Baldy learns the pros and cons of hitchhiking the hard way. Narcus and Ivanova cut short a picnic when they discover the Vogons' plan: they have sent their entire Constructor Fleet to demolish all the planets in the sector to build one huge hyperspace bypass.

  4. FAILING HOWARD'S APOLOGIES
    While the Vogon Constructor Fleet does its demolishing job, Howard (a security guard) shoots Ambassador Kosher accidentally with his PPG. When he refuses to apologize, Ambassador Kosher decides to read in public some of its poetry as a punishment - Arthur Dent and some other people kill him to avoid billions of horrible deaths.

  5. THE LONG BLIGHT
    The Shadows send out their own demolisher to aid the Vogons in their job. Emperor Cartilage gets the flu, so London injects him some penicillin - unaware he's allergic to it. K'Gar, suffering delusions of godhood, believes he's Odin reincarnated. Sheridan tells Leif Ericksson, a viking, to invite the Shadows and the Vogons over to drink some coriander tea.

  6. ENTER THE OLD FART
    London learns that Mordant used to work as a puppeteer; disgusted by this, London destroys his puppets - Mordant loses his head complaining about this abusive act. During the tea, Sheridan brings on Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Imperial Galactic Government, and informs him that the hyperspace bypass the Vogons are building (aided by the Shadows) does not conform to current regulations. Zaphod agrees, suspends the construction indefinitely and fires both Vogons and Shadows for their incompetent performance, taking them away with him.

  7. EPIGLOTTIS
    Gari Baldy quits his job, because he feels he's too fat for his duties (too much Bagna Cauda during his hitchhiking?). Pester and Sheridan try to have a picnic at Z'Ha'Dum, but are forced to cancel their plan when the planet goes Z'ha'BOOM. Zax invites Litany to his second favorite thing in the universe. The Great Maker edits out a scene where John & Delenn kissed, and she stuck her tongue up to his epiglottis.

  8. THE ILLNESS OF TRUSTING
    Sheridan prepares Bagna Cauda for some telepaths he invited over. However, the food is cooked so badly that most of them become ill and have to go to the Medlab. An ISDN journalist reports this, so the entire galaxy gets to know how lousy a cook Sheridan is (complete with Gary Baldy's comments about how he tried to give him cooking advice, but Sheridan wouldn't listen).

  9. ATTAINMENT
    Delenn hires some humans to kill a Grey Council member (paying them with ducats) so she can take his position, but they kill the wrong Minbari. Calling discovers this and confronts her, but agrees to "forget" the issue when she blackmails him. Franklin and Narcus take off on to a vacation.

  10. RAISING MARS BARS
    The station's supply of candy bars runs out, so everyone gets a part in the task of replenishing it: Ivanova arranges for shipments full of Snickers, Zax takes responsibility for Three Musketeers bars, and Franklin and Narcus go to the nearest store to buy a big Mars Bars pack. Gary Baldy, however, refuses to take care of the Milky Way bars, and this angers Sheridan very much. Lennier watches a Daffy Duck cartoon, but doesn't understand it.

  11. LIENS OF COMMUTATION
    Narcus and Franklin run out of money paying the Mars Bars' liens for every ship they commute to on their way back to the station, as export regulations require. While in her farm, Delenn is attacked by a bunch of drakes (released from their yard by Forall), but she successfully repels them.

  12. COMFITS OF INTERNISTS
    When Franklin arrives back at the station, he gives several packs full of comfits to some of the internists that work in the Medlab with him, so everybody else wants to get some, too. Ivanova begins hosting a new TV talk show. Gary Baldy wanders around with some friends; while in a store, one of them shoplifts a perfume, and they all get in trouble running away from the pursuing clerks.

  13. RUMORS, LIES AND VIDEOTAPE
    Lennier, while engaged to Delenn, is having an affair with her sister. Nero, an old friend of Lennier's, arrives and takes a friendly interest in Delenn. Later, Nero films Delenn's sister talking about her sexual experiences. Delenn discovers this, and forces him to tape her too. After that, Delenn dumps Lennier and begins a relationship with Nero, who destroys his tapes.
    Written & directed by Steven Soderbergh.

  14. MODEMS ON TRANSMISSION
    As a planet-wide two-team Quake deathmatch reaches a climax on Minbar, Delenn and Shakily agree to dance into the light - however, he jilts her. When Nero learns of this, he takes Shakily's place to save Delenn from the embarrassment. The deathmatch ends up with a tie. Gary Baldy imports quietly some powders for Edgar Williams. Litany loses a bet she made with Pester, and takes it quite badly. Sheridan learns that Clarke's been illegally expropriating other people's warts, so he decides to end this wart-ripping once and for all.

  15. NO SURRENDER VALUE, NO RETRIEVAL
    Clarke's insurance company is refusing either to pay the proper indemnifications to the proximal people or return the warts Clarke ripped off from them; he even sends his insurance agents to harass them. Sheridan goes there to kick them off, but some actually switch sides, paying the proper surrender values to the insured people who deserved it in the first place. Gary Baldy goes hitchhiking again.

  16. THE EXECRABLE VITIATED POWDERS
    Edgar Williams prepares lunch for some friends of him, but the powders he used while cooking were quite past their expiration date, so the people that ate his meal get very, very sick. Gary Baldy is very happy to have reached Mars in his journey.

  17. FACE OF THE ENEMY
    Litany is kidnapped by the Romulans, surgically altered to look like them, and taken to a Romulan colony, where she must help some (frozen) V.I.P.s to defect to Babylon 5. Sheridan is caught cheating at poker, and has to face its consequences. Edgar Williams tells Gary Baldy a bedtime story; however, Gary Baldy doesn't like it, so he has Pester tell him another one, which is even more disgusting. After that, Edgar Williams, still not believing his food was that bad, eats the rest of it - with disastrous results.

  18. INTERMISSIONS IN UNREAL TIME
    During lunch time, Sheridan rendezvous with a friend in a bar, where they chit-chat over a couple of sandwiches, and have such a good time at this that they don't realize how much time passes.

  19. BEATING THE FATNESS AND THE PLIGHT
    Sheridan is still on the bar chatting with his friend when Gary Baldy and Franklin arrive to remind him lunch time has finished and he has to get back to work. Litany tries to flirt with a waiter, but he doesn't hide his dislike for her. Ivanova learns some Shadows are still working (on a freelance basis) for Clarke, so she nicely talks them out of it.

  20. ENDER'S GAME
    Ender Wiggin, who turns out to be a bugger agent, deploys the "Dr. Device" weapon against Earth. Sheridan and other persons, who were fighting for some Mars Bars packs, notice this and destroy the weapon before it reaches the planet, but fail to get hold of Wiggin before he takes his own life.

  21. RISING WARTS
    After stopping Clarke's wart-ripping campaign, Sheridan reports to the dermatologist's Union to justify his actions. Though Sheridan's intention was a respectable one, his methods weren't, so his dermatologist license is revoked in punishment. Delenn proposes to the Centauri, the Narn and the Non-Alighted worlds to interconnect their computer networks, thus founding the Internet. Earth joins when they're offered Linux for their computers, liberating them from the slow & less efficient Micro$oft operating systems.

  22. THE EXTIRPATION OF FALLING WARTS
    Sheridan's infamous misdoings as a dermatologist, and the effect those had on people, are reviewed by a historian from the future.

FIFTH SEASON ("Wheel of Fortune")

  1. NO CON PROMISES
    B5's new head, Captain Lochley, arrives to the station. A con man called Brian tries to swindle her, but she doesn't buy any of his promises. Sheridan's washing machine breaks down, so he decides to wash his clothing himself - this angers the repair man so much that he tries to kill Sheridan. A boy who was playing "Simon says" thinks they're playing too, so he follows them... and dies.

  2. THE VERY LONG NIGHT OF SUSAN IVANOVA
    The Great Maker rehashes an unused season 2 script. Lennier inherits a ranch full of cattle, so he decides to move there and become a rancher. After drinking too much breviary, London suffers delirium tremens and a has very strong hangover.

  3. THE PARANOID ANIMOSITY
    Sheridan is trying to make the Non-Alighted Worlds ambassadors sign several sales contracts, but they are strangely reluctant about the transaction. Later, Brian informs Sheridan that someone else is offering them lower prices for the same deal - fearing he'll be driven out of the market, Sheridan has the competitor's store attacked and destroyed.

  4. A VIET FROM THE GALLEY
    A vietnamese oarsman and a friend of his tour the station, visiting its most interesting places. They even get to see the fireworks show in the Sanctuary.

  5. LEARNING CURSES
    Turban teaches how to swear and insult effectively to a group of Rancher apprentices. Tawnier, one of them, gets into an insult duel prematurely, and his defeat depresses him a lot. Turban makes him feel better by organizing the return match, which this time is won by Tawnier.

  6. STRAINED REDACTIONS
    K'Gar keeps writing official Internet documents in a VERY strange way, until he is reassigned to be London's secretary. Pester comes to the station with a warrant to get Brian, but the document stretches the language so badly no one considers it to have any legal force.

  7. SECRETS OF THE SOIL
    Franklin learns how to be a farmer. Litany and Brian rent a porn movie, but they take by mistake a documentary about the Vogons.

  8. THE KING OF THE BLAND
    Brian tries to form a new monarchy and proclaims himself a king, but every single person with a little balls opposes him, so only the softest of his former employees follow him. The Internet servers begin having a heavy packet loss problem.

  9. A COMEDY OF SOCIOPATHS
    King Brian's followers try to isolate themselves, so they won't have to show their antisocial behavior. In so doing, they make so many mistakes everyone ends up laughing out loud at them. London has a date with Na'Toth. Several sysadmins begin blaming each other over the packet loss problems.

  10. PHOENIX RISING
    Sheridan discovers the famous MAME project, and begins playing the old arcade games it supports: Asteroids, Pac Man, Space Invaders, Frogger, Galaxian, Elevator Action (Gary Baldy's favorite), Phoenix, Missile Command, Time Pilot (Sinclair's favorite), Joust, Zaxxon, etcetera. Quite soon, Phoenix rises as his favorite.

  11. DAY OF THE BED
    Gary Baldy finally gets some; so does London. Oneiros pays a visit to the station.

  12. THE FRAGGED LEDGE
    Gary Baldy -in a tour at the Drazi homeworld- is standing on a balcony. Someone shoots him, but misses and hits the nearby cornice. K'Gar sells a movie script that turns out to be a blockbuster hit, so he becomes a star.

  13. THAT CORPSE IS MY MOTHER, THAT CORPSE IS MY FATHER
    A telepath kills his parents and then his uncle Pester goes after him.

  14. MEDICATIONS ON THE ABBEY
    Brother Theo usurps part of Franklin's attributions.

  15. FATNESS ASCENDING
    Gary Baldy keeps gaining weight because he won't stop eating Bagna Cauda. Lennier finds out that the Centauri's buggy routers are responsible for the packet loss problems. Litany buys from K'Gar a mail server for her own use.

  16. IN ALL MY DREAMS, TRON IS UNDER ME
    London has recurring nightmares where he is an accounting program that has to defeat Sheridan by throwing discs at him.

  17. MORE MENTIONS OF FARTS AND SHADBLOWS
    London talks about those Knights who say "Ni" so much, K'Gar ends up vomiting. The Narn and Drazi sysadmins grow bored of Centauri sysadmins' incompetence, so they decide to shut down their servers themselves. Sheridan disapproves, but no one cares about it.

  18. THE FALL OF CENTAURI PRIME
    London takes a guided tour that showcases the greatest and prettiest places during Centauri Prime's autumn.

  19. WHEEL OF FORTUNE
    Pat Sajak & Vanna White continue to host the most popular TV show in the entire Earth Alliance.

  20. SUBJECTS IN MOTION PICTURES
    A disgruntled actor that did not get to work in K'Gar's movie demands reparations from him, but K'Gar doesn't even listen to his complaints. After that, he marries Litany and goes with her to the honeymoon. Franklin's wife arrives to B5, so he runs away from the station.

  21. SUBJECTS AT GEST
    Sheridan and Delenn move out of B5 to a better place, and both of them laugh at the people that are still stuck at the station. Lennier finds out they're going to be his neighbors, so he moves out of his ranch.

  22. SLAPPING THE KNIGHT
    Gary Baldy, Delenn, Ivanova, Franklin and Vir decide they're sick of Sheridan's dumb jokes, so they all slap him. After that, he goes out to a party, but gets lost in the way. The Great Maker finally gets bored of Babylon 5, so he personally goes and blows it up.


TV MOVIES

  1. THE BEGGING
    Two Centauri kids beg London for a story, and he tells them the one about the Earth/Minbari War, where the Humans begged for mercy to the Minbari and got their asses kicked, begged to the Centauri for weapons and got disdain, and begged to the Narn for any help and got useless weapons at high prices. By the end, the Humans are ready to flee Earth and beg for sanctuary somewhere, but the Minbari hear the Vogons' beggings and stop their attack. London tries to continue, but the kids beg him to stop, as they are bored and don't care at all about such a dumb story.

  2. FLIRTSPACE
    The Love Boat is found adrift in hyperspace and is brought to B5 for repairs. While it's there, lots of romance, flirting and loving caresses occur. It's all so nice that Sheridan gets jealous and sinks the ship.

  3. THE RIVER OF SEALS
    An entire colony of seals installs itself in a river near the station, where they become a hazard to navigation and fishing. The entire Guild of seal hunters comes to the station, claiming they can solve the problem, but Lochley's lawyer points out that hunting season hasn't started yet, so they must find another way. Finally, Lochley convinces the seals to move out and install themselves on a much prettier beach in Ralga's coast.

  4. CALL TO ARMS
    The Dominion tries to invade Alliance's space, but Sheridan -helped by Captain Sisko aboard the Victory- forces it to retreat. Alas, the Dominion manages to infect planet Earth with a disease that will make people grow abnormally huge warts all over their bodies. The prospect of having billions of humans grossly disfigured is so terrible that Sheridan orders the Alliance to search for a cure to this disease.

  5. THE LUGGAGE OF THE RANCHERS: TWO LIVERS AND DYE FROM THE WALMART
    Some newly appointed ranchers travel with really odd stuff in their suitcases.


SPIN-OFF SERIES: CHARADE

  1. WART ZONE
    A human expedition studies some odd warts growing in an alien planet, and a Drakh team tries to kill them to steal their valuable booty - however, the humans manage to call for help, and Captain Giddy comes to the rescue, blowing the evil Drakh out of the sky.

  2. THE LONG TOAD
    EarthForce's medical branch is studying a recently discovered strange species of amphibian on a distant planet, but their research is disturbed by the local "animal rights" activists.

  3. THE WART OF FOREVER
    Captain Giddy is convinced by Gandalf the Bald to take a hyperspace detour that leads them to Wart Heaven.

  4. THE MATH OF MARROWS
    After Gandalf manages to open the Moria gate, the Excalibur team finds a Balrog and invite him to lunch. During the meal, everyone takes a turn to tell his happiest memory, and they all have a jolly good time.

  5. PATTERNS OF THE SOIL
    The Excalibur crew studies a series of huge ground markings over the Andes mountains, that resemble drawings of birds and other animals when seen from above.

  6. RULING FROM THE WOMB
    The Excalibur visits a planet where the local supreme ruler is a VERY precocious person.

  7. THE MULES OF THE DAME
    Captain Lochley is selling a bunch of her work animals, and Captain Giddy offers to be his agent. Some Logans try to buy them at a ridiculously low price, so Giddy rejects the offer. The Logan's run after Giddy, insisting on the trade proposal, and after bribing him with some jewels, he accepts the offer. Lochley is extremely upset when she finds this out, and treats Giddy quite harshly for his less than honorable action.

  8. APPRENTICES TAKE ANOTHER DEFEAT
    A group of disciples of the infamous body-snatchers try to invade the Excalibur, but are defeated yet again. Captain Giddy finally washes his uniform, and discovers the laundromat clerk was right, after all: that uniform wasn't black when he first began using it.

  9. THE RAGING KNIGHT
    Captain Giddy and his crew arrive at a seemingly abandoned but well preserved castle. Soon, they are savagely attacked by Kool-Aid, its keeper. After Gandalf tricks him, they calm him down enough to talk, and learn he's in charge of keeping the building in place until the owner returns from his vacation.

  10. THE MEMOIR OF WARTS
    The Excalibur visits a planet where everyone was killed by a malfunctioning automated wart remover. Gandalf locates the power button and turns the machine off. Later, Dr. Chanters reads its user's manual and learns some cool wart trivia.

  11. THE WEEDS OF EARTH
    The Excalibur receives and gives sanctuary to a certain Nathan Vader that's a fugitive from justice, and Captain Giddy refuses to turn him over to the police when he's demanded so. Dr. Chanters gives him some music to listen: gangsta' rap, techno-dance, death metal and the like. Nathan can't take any more, and runs away, turning himself to the police, who then free him - he suffered way too much with that horrendous torture.

  12. PARANOIDS FROM DOWN THE STREET
    Moulder and Scully visit the Excalibur, yet they STILL can't get any proof of alien life before being kicked out for their ridiculous paranoid attitude.

  13. EACH NIGHT I DREAM OF JEANNIE
    Major Tony Nelson, who was off-planet when the Dominion attacked, learns that his beloved Jeannie has been disfigured by so many warts appearing in her body, she's barely recognizable. Still, he wants to go back to Earth and be at her side.

Return to Sector 83x9x12.

Last modified: 09/06/2002


Miguel Farah
www@farah.cl